Friday, The First Post
I’m not off to a good start, I said this post would be online several days ago.
It is Friday, the 20th of November 2009 and these are the things on my mind.
I’ve just finished a week of an intense nature at school, I’m a little nervous for the outcome, thank goodness it’s over! I question if I chose the right program sometimes. I question what, ultimately, my career in education will look like when I am finished this all. Do others question the path they are on as frequently as I question mine? I wonder to what length we should dedicate ourselves to the art of learning, and to what cost we should pursue academics. I feel like writing is my future, I simply question if this program is the one that is going to aid the achievement of my dreams. Purhaps it is best if I complete this degree and then pursue a further education in University, or will college be enough? Right now I do not feel like college will be enough, I do not particularly feel that my writing style is being developed at all in this program. I feel instead like it is mostly filler. At what point is it that we are supposed to have the answers and not simply more questions.
Apart from school I wonder where things are heading with this man I adore. He is trully something of another world, sweet, caring, attuned to my emotions and desires. I think sometimes that he is more intune with my emotions than I am! Still, I wonder where the future lies with us, I wonder if there is a future. Now in the moment, I am happy, content, with my life. I love the security, the bravery I feel when he’s around; I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else, being this comfortable with anyone else. I also couldn’t imagine holding him back from his dreams; he is a passionate man, that is evident in everything he does. He is creative and talented, I have no doubt that what ever he decides to dedicate himself to he will embrace completely, wholly. …what if he dedicates himself to something that takes him to the other end of this earth? What if he dedicates himself to something that does not allow me to be a part of his world anymore? Desperately, I wish I knew now if I could make it through that kind of devastation. Even now, while I digest the knowledge that him walking out of my life would be a crushing blow, I know that I could never, would never, stop him from doing what ever he thought would bring happiness and comfort to his life. Is it trully better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? I don’t know, I have no source for such information. All I know for sure is that he is the first thought to cross my mind in the morning, he is the last thought floating around when the dreams roll in at night. I know that he encompasses everything good and pure in my life; he instils a calm, a bravery in me. Right now if I were offered a crystal ball, I would take it.
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