What!?! You didn’t Hear??! I moved…
right…
So the thing is…
I moved.
To Blogger…
and I forgot to tell all you fine people who read this that I did so…
Only now I’m kind of regretting my big move to blogger.
I don’t really like the dashboard because I can’t figure out how to view my stats,
which this fine site just does automatically…
I can’t for the life of me find a calligraphy style writing to type in,
and I had already figured that out over here.
So you see WordPress I miss you…
but I’m a terribly vain person and…
blogger is much more aesthetically pleasing…
you understand.
Find me at onurdesk.
This is where I fall apart
Who knew one could find heart break in a letter.
Before you judge me I don’t mean a letter written by one person, delivered to another. I mean a letter of the alphabet specifically in regards to grades.
Yesterday was grade day, the day when your worth is measured by a simple letter. Today I have been deemed a failure. Across the board a failure. 5 F’s for 5 classes.
Thus in front of me now is the daunting notion of repaying debt for a semester’s worth of classes which will do nothing to further my career but, have instead left me questioning if I will ever be anything or if perhaps it would be better if I simply allowed the world to swallow me.
The Case of The Kitten
“You want a cat? You guys should take Arnold!”
Arnold is a big grey, tiger stripped cat who in a member of TV’s family. The one trying to give him to a loving home, TV’s mother. Not because she herself doesn’t love Arnold, but becuase I was so desperately missing my pets from home. In my desperation for a cuddly ball of furry love Arnold was offered.
Excitement running through my veins, a smile plastered on my face; a cat requires such little care and in return gives so much adoration. It took the Lonely Princess a mere 2 words to serve my excitement a crushing blow, “I’m Allergic.”
So final, understandably, to be forced to live in your home suffering from a runny nose, congested sinuses and scratchy, itchy eyes, would be cruel and unusual punishment.
A year and a bit passes after a cat is forbidden in my home, a year a bit apparently is all it takes to get over an allergy. The lonely princess, a mere week ago, came home with a kitten of her very own. A kitten stunted in it’s growth due to malnutrition. (Did I mention the Lonely Princess told me once that she only likes kittens and once that kitten is a full grown cat she no longer likes them and thus gets rid of them) This kitten will most likely not get any bigger and thus will look like a kitten forever.
Lesson Learned: Never move in with people you’ve never met before, they may be rulers of an Icy world where the selfish rule and the caring are forgotten.
210 in 2010:An Inspiration
Now don’t think I’m being original because I’ve stolen this idea from my best friend. However, my strong desire to provide myself with a challenge for the upcoming year coupled with her ingenuity leads us to:
210 in 2010: An Inspiration
Date Started: January 1st 2010
End Date: December 31, 2010
Incomplete
Complete
1. Graduate From College
2. Apply to U-BC
3. Complete a painting
4. Submit something to a publisher
5. See a Sunrise
6. have 100 people view this blog
7. Finish a story
8. Skate on Rideau
9. Take a dance class
10. Make a new meal every night for a week (0/7)
11. Get Drunk (I do this about once a year so I figure I should make that hangover well worth it)
12. Have this list done by January 1st 2010
13. Go to the beach (aka a place with sand and water you can swim in)
14. Spend an entire weekend MIA (no cell phones, internet or TV)
15. Roadtrip to Montreal
16. Spend a weekend in a hotel
17. See a play/musical
18. Read 10 books from this list : http://www.listology.com/list/1001-books-you-must-read-you-die (0/10)
19. Have breakfast in bed
20. spend an entire weekend with the Steele’s ❤
21. make chocolate dipped strawberries
22. save 1000$
23. knit 12 scarves to give to the womens shelter next christmas (o/12)
24. Learn to knit mittens
25. Learn one guitar song
26. Send a card to one person a week, Just because (0/52)
27. Make a Monthly Budget
28. Learn to make candles (apparently it’s easy and seems so practicle)
29. Grow a garden (food also seems important)
30. Learn how to change the oil in my car ( :S )
31. Buy a piece of art
32. Make an active difference in political awareness
33. Read 1 book a month about world politics (0/12)
34. Have a movie marathon
35. Make rainbow Jello http://dobetter.wordpress.com/2008/03/18/rainbow-jello/
36. Make a Sundial…if too difficult Learn how sundials work
37. Plant Flowers
38. Build a bird feeder
39. Pick two things off this website http://www.instructables.com/ to do (0/2)
40. Build a Fort
41. Write A Blog Post Everyday
42. Find a magazine worth reading
43. Interview someone. (Apparently Local history organizations often need people to conduct interviews and transcribe oral histories that might otherwise be lost.)
44. Learn to make Jam
45. Go Bowling
46. Feed the Birds
47. Go to a market
48. Visit a Science Center or Museum
49. Have a pillow fight…Be ready, it could be with you!
50. Learn to Juggle
51. Pimp out a binder
52. Pimp my blog
53. Make a Dream Board (thanks BFF)
54. Celebrate Pancake Day
55. Learn Sign Language
56. Learn not to say ‘yes’ when I really mean ‘No’
57. Find a waterfall
58. Sleep under the stars
59. Go to a casino
60. Drink 9 bottles of water in 1 day
61. Spend an afternoon downtown (Ottawa) playing Tourist
62. Volunteer
63. Have a picnic lunch
64. Document an entire day in pictures
65. Write a childrens book
66. Send someone flowers
67. write a penpal once a month (0/12)
68. Learn to make a new dessert for every night of the week (0/7)
69. Watch 5 movies from this list http://www.filmsite.org/momentsindx.html#100greats (0/5)
70. Buy 5 of these albums http://rateyourmusic.com/list/Mr_1337/100_greatest_albums_of_all_time/
71. Get a library Card
72. Commit to spend less money on frivilous items
73. Spend a whole day doing what the man wants
74. Do something wildly spontaneous
75. Get a tattoo
76. Learn to build a fire without matches or a lighter
77. Learn to make bread
78. Read An Incomplete Education: 3,684 Things You Should Have Learned but Probably Didn’t
79. Go to walmart and complete 5 things off this list http://forum.ebaumsworld.com/archive/index.php/t-31393.html (0/5)
80. Go for a bike ride
81. Eat something you have never tried before
82. Be more openly affectionate
83. make sundaes
84. Play in the rain
85. Play 20 questions
86. Have a nintendo pizza party
87. Spend a day at the mall trying on ridiculous things you would never buy
88. Take a boat ride
89. spend an entire day at hom
90. Build a snowman
91. See an Ottawa 67’s game (preferably when they play the Kitchener Rangers..>GO RANGERS<
92. Get a beaver tail
93. Spend a day eating entirely junk food
94. Go to winterlude
95. Do at least one thing off this list http://chasing-distractions.blogspot.com/2009/01/free-things-to-do-in-ottawa-this-winter.html
96. Find a chinese food restaurant
97. write 4 short stories (0/4)
98. Read a biography
99. Attend an event at the Ottawa Tulip festival
100. Attend an event at the blue’s festical
101. Swear off coffee for one whole week (0/7)
102. learn 50 new words, use them all in a story
103. Don’t spend a single penny for an entire week (0/7)
104. Learn to cook a fruit or vegetable in a new way
105. revamp some old clothing or a bag
106. Meditate for 15 minutes a day for a week (0/7)
107. Record every penny I spend for a week (0/7)
108. Take a self defense class
109. Send out christmas cards
110. Find a Career track
111. Fish
112. Make a list of 101 things that make me happy…display it
113. Begin a recipe book
114. Avoid being sarcastic for a full 24 hours… :S this may be impossible
115. Write a manifesto of belief
A Retraction
Sometimes I swear the universe is determined to prove me wrong no matter what my thesis. Thus A retraction.
While my roomates are both seriously inclined to getting their own way, one because he works hard to be independent and thus live the life he wants the other because she has always gotten her way, I may have been a touch sensitive the other night while writing my meet the players post. I dubbed one of my roomates “Ice Queen” which in retrospect was not really fair of me. Ice Queen is really a lonely princess; I can not fault her for being the product of a broken home and a flawed support system.
In these moments when I feel so incredibly guilty about having used words in a harsh manner I find myself wondering am I the worlds biggest pushover or is there still the possibility of change somewhere buried in there. Take my Lonely Princess, a girl trapped between two worlds, that of the wealthy and that of the struggling. Surrounded by materialism and consumption, taught the differences in class and society; blind to the world that is not her own.
And despite the hostile takeover of the area’s of a house normally shared amongst roomates coke guy has put up with my fairly consistent scrambling come time for rent. In reality without the empathy of coke guy I could have, very long ago, found my penniless self on the cold pavement. And not 10 minutes ago coke guy came bounding down the stairs, bursting in the batcave, beaming down at me proudly holding a pink gummy blackberry curve case to protect my cellphone in his out stretched hand. Evidently he had ordered a black case for himself and upon it’s arrival he discovered a stowed away pink case had hitched a ride.
In later news, there’s a chance a simple 23 year old canadian girl has evidence to support the theory there is good in everyone.
Meet the Players
After returning home (I use that term loosely) from enjoying an evening at the movies with some of angel man’s not so angelic friends, the two of us committed to our usual plan of retreating to the Bat Cave where we could enjoy that mind numbing tube in the sanctity of roomate free zone. The unfortunate thing was our naivety. One would think that after living here for over a year we would, by now, have come to realize that our roomates know no such thing as boundaries, comfortable living space or empathy for those arund them. The screaming through the house, the ledge of collected garbage. The oh so grinchy banishment of a christmas tree, welcome to the miseries of being indebted to a roomate.
Before I can go any further I feel it is important for you to meet the players:
Coke Guy: he’s my boyfriends buddy, they both work for the same organization (aka Coka Cola) hence how they came to meet and our happy little home came to be.
Ice Queen: she’s Coke Guy’s girlfriend, that’s how she came to be.
Me: I knew angel man when I moved here, he was the only person I knew. In an effort to save $mulla$, because I’m a broke a$$ student, I moved in with them. That’s how I came to be.
Angel man: like I said above, he worked with coke guy which is how they came to decide they could live together.
When I started thinking of moving here too it seemed like a good situation. 4 people cheaper rent, who couldn’t be happy?!?
15 months (And Counting) later: This is why money is evil, if I didn’t owe coke guy money for keeping the roof over our heads I would be out hacking down a christmas tree right now.
Another Night in the Bat Cave
“I think it’s flashbangs that f*cks them up”
“You know what I think f*cks them up? Stabbing them 6 times.”
~*~
It’s conversations like these that force me to question if I need a more prominent female presence in my life. I find myself with ample amount of time to write, another night in the bat cave. Naturally, as soon as I find myself with time to write, I find myself lacking the words. I am thouroughly convinced that writers reach ‘the wall’ when there are too many things going on upstairs. Ironic in that a writer also needs to write these things down in order to make sense of it all and move forward. This is much how I feel right now. I feel I lack the appropriate steps…first and foremost, he is blocking my mind.
If I could say it all, without fear or reprecussion. If I suddenly had a fit of bravery and ferociousness I would be a walking cliche. Surely I would become lost in his eyes, begging him with my own to understand my sincerity. I would command his attention if for no other reason than to be so commanding is generally not in my nature. …
In that moment I would tell him that I never thought, for a second, I would ever let myself feel this way about him. I would tell him that now I can’t imagine another. That he and he alone, makes me laugh harder, smile more often and cry less then any other human being walking this earth. I would tell him that I am terrified of tomorow because it might take him in a direction that has no place for me. Even more, I am terrified that he won’t seize those opportunities because he’s gotten comfortable. I am excited, so excited, for tomorow because everyday brings so much of the same but always something new…with him. There is a comfort, a calm, a bravery, a grace that comes to me and my life because he’s around. I’ve felt it since the very first moment I met him; a part of me forever and always with him.
I appreciate having a healthy view of relationships; I do not by any means feel my life will be over should we go down seperate paths. I do feel that a part of my heart will never be filled by anyone other than him and that if he wants me too I am willing to think of a future with him.
He’s annihilating alien lifeforms with a buddy and I’m contemplating if I have a place in his future. …sometimes I wish I were in his world where these things didn’t plague my mind in such a way.
It’s a bird, It’s a plane, It’s…helicopter school??
Two entries in one day this is a record I know, but my mind was wandering and in two directions…visa vie…
The man I adore has of recent been not quite himself and I know the reason why. See there’s his first love, the one he can’t pull himself away from because, it has for so long, defined so much of who he is. His passion, sense of accomplishment, freedom, success…all belong to his first love. That board and 4 wheels do something for him that nothing else can compare to; skateboarding owns his heart. Fear not readers, (yah you two!), never have I been so naive to believe that the issue was a personal one, I have been around the male specimen long enough to know better than to dream of coming between a man and his dream, I would not want to. only his dream has been wrenched from his sights due to an injury, which while manage, he will never recover to the ability he once had. It is crushing to watch the one who owns your heart have their dreams fade in front of them. For months all I have wanted was to give him something, anything, to excite him for the future. Something to spark that light inside him, that drive I know was buried beneath his grief for a sport that captured his passion.
He has found that thing, that spark igniting force, yet again rising to the occasion proving he is every bit of the man I thought no longer existed. Naturally the match for his future will take him to a remote town in the middle of nothingness…aka away from me and towards opportunity. Despite my excitement and joy over his renewed sense of direction and excitement for the future I admit I also find myself questioning now more then ever what it is the future holds and more importantly when he sees his future and the things that are important am I on his list? Or is helicopter school the beginning of good bye? …who ever said men aren’t complicated never found one the owner of their heart.
Success: A Relative Term
I’ve missed over 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot . . . and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. -Michael Jordan
I’m sitting in a classroom right now surrounded by my peers, who make it to class, and my professor. As, I’m sure, you can all imagine this is possibly not the most appropriate time for me to be turning my writing energies to a blog…buuuuut it’s education related so I don’t feel THAT bad.
Not so long ago I wrote that I was concerned I had found my way into the wrong program. That concern remains with me today; this program is filled with potential, I am surrounded by professors who are individuals who have already made it in the industry which I aspire to be successful in. The institution I am attending is reputable and known for challenging its students to rise above, think outside of the box, thus moulding intellectuals capable of adapting to marketplace trends, guaranteeing them success in their future careers. …I do not think my present program is going to do any of those things for me. In now way do I feel like I am being challenged or adequately prepared for the industry at my feet and at 23 that terrifies me. I find myself challenging success and what success is; I find myself challenging the paths I have chosen and confronting the path which lies ahead. Today, for the first time in a long time, I saw my dreams stretched ahead of me, dreams I want with every fiber of my being.
I have attended 3 different post secondary education programs, through two different institutions. I am about to apply to a third institution to obtain, yet again, a different degree. I have never wanted anything so badly as I want to see that letter which reads, “CONGRATULATIONS, Welcome to the University of British Columbia Okanaga Campus.” I want it badly enough that right now the financial reality has not even set in, the terror of picking up a life I love and moving it across the country has not set in yet. I want to be successful in my industry. I want to be inspired, taught, moulded, into a writer who can inspire, teach and mould. I want to be challenged, to have a bar to rise to. If not then what service is it I am paying for? Is success the paper at the end of the day or is it the things learned along the way? Some would no doubt look at my track record and say I am a quiter. They would say that I get so far in and then throw in the towel. They would not see that I refuse to waste my most precious commodity on something I do not want, on something I know is not me. Perhaps it took me some time to find my way but I feel now it’s all right in front of me, within my reach at UBC. Only how will they measure my past in terms of success and failure? A transcript tells but one story, paints but one picture; it can’t show them all of me and all the things I can be. Success seems to be a relative term, especially in the world of academics…with my dreams dangling before my eyes I can only wonder will UBC see enough of me to give me my chance?
Saturday Night
It is Saturday, almost 5pm. My week of assignment hell is officially over; a total of 5 assignments handed in, in 5 days time. I would be lying if I said it wasn’t stressful. I haven’t yet looked at the week to come and what it will bring in the world of academics. Instead, Friday at 11 2m after uploading the last of the 5 to my profs hard drive, I decided I would work my shifts at Nickels and enjoy the beauty of relaxation known as ‘The Weekend.’ I worked this morning released to enjoy the warmth and sun that has decended on us so late in November, a rare gift from Mother Nature. After arriving home, smelling like bacon, homefries and all things greasy, I am reminded that tonight is the birthday party of a mutual friend. A birthday party in the form of a Halo party.
As I agree to attend this party two thoughts are prominent in my mind; 1. When did my life’s dayplanner come to inclue saturday night halo party? and 2. Other then merking newbs…which I am NOT good at…usually I am said ‘newb’…What the heck goes on at a Halo party!?!?
I am not, socially, prepared for this…at all. My happy relaxation weekend has now come to include an evening of terror, confusion and no doubt some kind of technological complication caused by none other than yours trully. Oh to live in a mans world. Here’s hoping there is some kind of support system forming as I type. I refuse at this point to believe there are not others who have found themselves in this predicament. …perhaps there is even an underground system, designed to provide entertainment and safety in numbers.
I am nervous and excited. A brutal combo for the anxiety ridden. Dropped in the middle of this world I can hold my own, protected and empowered by the strength of the men I call my friends. It is because of this strength that I am excited! I am excited to spend an evening with friends that we see near not enough. However, this is a man’s world and in man world, that strength and commrodery leaves with the placement of controller in hand. Halo is an entity of its own, one that is all consuming and unforgiving. Thus my nerves go into over drive at the mere thought of being propsitioned to be an active participant. …this may be one of those things we don’t talk about.
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